Saturday, August 6, 2011

I'm the queen of bad TV

Let me tell you what I endured today.

1. Somehow I got caught up in a marathon of "Dance Moms" on Lifetime.  I danced as a child.  I competed in various things.  It was always a supportive environment.  Sure there were expectations that we do well, but never pressure.  Coaches didn't openly fight with parents.  There were no shouting matches.  There were no crying children.  Last, there were no injured children being required to continue performing.  On Dance Moms, one child has a hurt hip and the camera crew filmed a doctor saying, "You are in no shape to compete this weekend."  Mom says, "We have too." Don't you love the use of the word "we" there?  Ya know, cause Mom is up there in pain against her will.  Did I mention the child mentions not wanting to dance many times in the episode?  Then Mom says something like, "Brooke is a dancer, and dancers get injured. Being in pain is just part of it."  Her dance coach says it's just her hip flexors grinding and she should just live with the pain until that process is complete.  I know this is extreme, but CPS needs to be called in.  I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever push my child to perform in pain when a doctor says not too.  EVER.  I know competitive dance is extremely expensive and there is so much put into success.  None of that is worth my child's health.  Period.  This show combined with Toddlers in Tiaras sicken me.  It's like watching a car wreck.  I can't seem to look away, but they disgust me.  How could these parents capitalize on their children's talents to profit by being on the shows.  And how unethical of the production companies to pump them out.  Shame, shame, shame. 

2. I'm having a private Twlight film festival. My family is off visiting in-laws for the night and I'm all alone.  I'm just waiting in anticipation for Jacob to take off his shirt.  And that, my friends, makes me a dirty old woman because I'm in my late thirties and he's an infant.  Bella and Edward are currently at the prom and this scene makes me miss the intensity of youth.  When you're a married adult with children, life can really dial down the passion level.  Work, childcare, households, and obligations suck your passion tank dry.  I remember the long, hot make-out sessions that left us breathless.  I remember wanting, so badly, know.  I remember being out together somewhere, with others, doing something and the sexual tension was so thick between us.  Slowly that fades until you get here and look back at it like it's something lost.  Can you get it back?  It takes work.  But's my work.  Like many, my husband wants more sex.  And it isn't that I don't.  I'm just tired.  There I said it.  I'm tired.  I feel like people have needed things from me all day long, most days, that I can't take one more obligation, which is sad.  Sex is a act of love.  I have a marriage that I cherish with all my heart.  I was watching The Doctors the other day - a major rarity - and the OB on there said something about sex making the wife feel good about her sexual being and body, and the man having his physical needs met.  It's win/win.  Yet still...I'm tired.  What's weird is that I'm sitting here watching this movie, wishing for the magnetic pull there used to be between my husband and I when we were teenagers.  What's up with that?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I'm not against pagents, but Toddlers in Tiaras makes me sick.

It's not a new show, but still, I can't control my myself.  I have to write about Toddlers in Tiaras.

Here are some wicked generalizations.  The moms all think they aren't stage moms, but I'm wondering if they change their opinion after seeing their ridiculousness on the show.  "I want her to feel good about her inner beauty."  Okay, so then why try to make your three-year-old look like an adult and prance her around a stage for people to judge her in a "beauty" category?  "She is the one who wants to do the pageants, I don't push her."  Flash-forward to the day of the pageant and you see the kid crying about getting her eyebrows waxed, hair pins stuck in her head, and that she's tried.  My favorite was last week when a child said she was hungry early in the pageant day and Mom told her, "You can't eat until the pageant is over."  Yeah, that doesn't sound crazy.

I'm not against pageants.  There are some kids who just love them.  I knew a little girl like that.  She was really motivated and, I swear, her and her mom had a great attitude about them.  It was time together doing something they both enjoyed.  Who can criticize that?  What bugs me so much about the show is that these are the types of parents featured.  Worse, they are salivating to have their child included, neglecting to recognize the colossal humiliation at risk for the child if she doesn't do well.  Not only did she fail in front of these pageant people, but the whole world too.  No pressure there.  Sickening.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Dear Checkout Lady at the grocery store

Dear Checkout Lady at the grocery store,

I have shopped in your store twice a week for the last 7.5 years.  There are only like 10 cashiers.  You and I have met many, many times.

I use coupons.  I love coupons.  I take lots of time to make sure the coupons I'm giving you are correct and valid on the products I'm buying.  I walk out of your store every week after spending lots, and lots of money.  So when there's an issue with one of the 30 coupons I've handed you, please spare me the hyper-dramatic scrutiny and anger when I have the audacity to ask why it didn't work.  I don't have five shopping carts filled to the brim with 400 box of cat food.  I haven't cleared your shelves of mustard.  I have never ever saved more than maybe 30%...and that's very rare. 

You're watching more TLC than me and this is just another example of how Extreme Couponing has ruined my life.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

That weiner doesn't need treatment

Here's what's humoring me.  Anthony Weiner has taken a leave of absence from his congressional duties and is in "treatment".  Hahahahaha!  So like the next time a student gets busted for cheating on an exam he should get treatment for his indiscretions?  Or the next time I cheat on a diet I should seek professional help?  I'm hoping this course of intervention includes a class on freakin' accountability.  You were carrying on with a woman who wasn't your wife and sent her inappropriate pictures of your body.  Bad boy.  Bad bad, boy.  Can we move on, please?

I'm beyond laughing that Obama is on record for saying he should resign.  Okay, Mr. Morality.  Let's see if you feel the same when it's your turn.  I'm hopeful for your family that you don't get one, but we'll see.  And for all of those Washingtonites chanting for him to resign, same to you.

Weiner is an absolute jerk for acting as he did.  Does it really mean he was distracted from serving his country, not really.  I have a healthy sex life (my niece is reading - hide your eyes) with my husband.  Does that distract me from doing a good job for the company that employs me?  What really is the difference other than some compromised morals?  Did his constituents *really* think they elected someone standing on some moral high ground?  Is anyone really that ignorant anymore? 

To Mrs. Weiner, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I'm also sorry that I'm giggling at the irony associated with you being on a business trip with your boss, HILLARY CLINTON, when the news broke.  I can just see the knowing, sad smile and slow nod she gave you when she found out.  You couldn't ask for a better mentor in getting through such a scandal.  Girlfirend has definitely BTDT. 

Here's wishing the Weiners less media coverage and some peace.  Get over it America.  It's just a picture of the Weiner Jr. in some boxers.  After five minutes of shock, I have moved on.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Why do they always make the Bachelorette look like a fool?

I can't stop myself.   I wish I didn't watch this stupid show, but clearly it's beyond my self-control.  It's so stupid.  It makes no sense.  Blah blah let's analyze tonight's episode.

Mask guy removed the mask.  Did anyone else think it was hilarious that every time they showed him with the mask, there was creepy Phantom of the Opera organ music?  Classic!  So he takes off the mask and reveals an older-than-anyone-expected guy who is attractive...but there was just something about him that made me want to say, "just put it back on."

Then there was the guy who "roasted" her by saying something like "imagine how I felt when I saw you.  I thought it was going to be Emily or Chantal."  Ya know, but since I'm all signed up, quit my job, and am here I'll stick around.  K?  Then he cries because he hurt her feelings.  Okey doke, jackass. 

Then there's Bentley.  He's the jackwad that has had tidbits of, "I don't like her much" peppered in from day one.  Ashley got a text that he wasn't there "for the right reasons."  So like any other woman, she falls for the bad boy and suddenly can't live without her.  Leading up to his departure tonight, we get little flakes of "I'm not attracted to her."  Nice.  What kills me, though, is how they string the poor girl along so that we see this big build up and then get to enjoy watching her cry her heart out.  Ugh!  Why oh why oh why!  They NEVER EVER set the Bachelor up like that!  Wonder how dumb she'll feel when she watches it later.

So on a date the day after Bentley's big departure, she forgoes the huge shindig everyone else got to hang out in her glasses and jammies in front of a fire.  WHAT?!  I get it.  You're sad.  You are having a bad day.  You're in a heightened emotional state.  But that means big glasses and plaid jammy pants?  And wait...he brought his too?  AND you pinned his rose onto his white cotton undershirt?  Okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

On final rose night, she's still crying over Bentley.  She wasn't sure she could go on.  Mask guy gets the ax.  "Wish you were someone else" got one.  Oh Lord.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I, unknowingly, committed a mom crime

I got River Trekker shoes, similar to these, from Landsend several years ago and they've taken me through countest Disney, camping, and other walking-intensive trips.  I love them.  They are so very comfortable.  The one major problems - they're fugly.  But when I tried on a thousand pairs of really cute shoes today, none were very comfortable.  And here's the mom crime.  Since when did I choose shoes based on how comfortable they are held at a higher priority than their cuteness?  Evidently the answer is "for quite some time."

The half-off diet

Have you heard of the half-off diet?  I'm creating it today after a particularly discouraging clothes shopping trip.  My desperation may have been exacerbated by my children who weren't behaving very well.  But I left at least 10 shirts and 4 pairs of pants for various reasons, the most common one being I looked pregnant.  Nice.

So I'm embarking...again.  I feel really sick of doing things like counting points, fitting in a certain number of servings of this or that in, in a certain order, and various other approaches.  I think I'm just going to eat less - like half of what I'd normally eat.  It's unscientific, at best.  But, lordy be, I have to do something.  I'm sick of feeling self-conscious about how I look and what I wear.  I'm not shooting for a size 4 or 110 pounds or anything.  I'm just shooting for something better than here.  Boo.