Thursday, June 16, 2011

Dear Checkout Lady at the grocery store

Dear Checkout Lady at the grocery store,

I have shopped in your store twice a week for the last 7.5 years.  There are only like 10 cashiers.  You and I have met many, many times.

I use coupons.  I love coupons.  I take lots of time to make sure the coupons I'm giving you are correct and valid on the products I'm buying.  I walk out of your store every week after spending lots, and lots of money.  So when there's an issue with one of the 30 coupons I've handed you, please spare me the hyper-dramatic scrutiny and anger when I have the audacity to ask why it didn't work.  I don't have five shopping carts filled to the brim with 400 box of cat food.  I haven't cleared your shelves of mustard.  I have never ever saved more than maybe 30%...and that's very rare. 

You're watching more TLC than me and this is just another example of how Extreme Couponing has ruined my life.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

That weiner doesn't need treatment

Here's what's humoring me.  Anthony Weiner has taken a leave of absence from his congressional duties and is in "treatment".  Hahahahaha!  So like the next time a student gets busted for cheating on an exam he should get treatment for his indiscretions?  Or the next time I cheat on a diet I should seek professional help?  I'm hoping this course of intervention includes a class on freakin' accountability.  You were carrying on with a woman who wasn't your wife and sent her inappropriate pictures of your body.  Bad boy.  Bad bad, boy.  Can we move on, please?

I'm beyond laughing that Obama is on record for saying he should resign.  Okay, Mr. Morality.  Let's see if you feel the same when it's your turn.  I'm hopeful for your family that you don't get one, but we'll see.  And for all of those Washingtonites chanting for him to resign, same to you.

Weiner is an absolute jerk for acting as he did.  Does it really mean he was distracted from serving his country, not really.  I have a healthy sex life (my niece is reading - hide your eyes) with my husband.  Does that distract me from doing a good job for the company that employs me?  What really is the difference other than some compromised morals?  Did his constituents *really* think they elected someone standing on some moral high ground?  Is anyone really that ignorant anymore? 

To Mrs. Weiner, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I'm also sorry that I'm giggling at the irony associated with you being on a business trip with your boss, HILLARY CLINTON, when the news broke.  I can just see the knowing, sad smile and slow nod she gave you when she found out.  You couldn't ask for a better mentor in getting through such a scandal.  Girlfirend has definitely BTDT. 

Here's wishing the Weiners less media coverage and some peace.  Get over it America.  It's just a picture of the Weiner Jr. in some boxers.  After five minutes of shock, I have moved on.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Why do they always make the Bachelorette look like a fool?

I can't stop myself.   I wish I didn't watch this stupid show, but clearly it's beyond my self-control.  It's so stupid.  It makes no sense.  Blah blah let's analyze tonight's episode.

Mask guy removed the mask.  Did anyone else think it was hilarious that every time they showed him with the mask, there was creepy Phantom of the Opera organ music?  Classic!  So he takes off the mask and reveals an older-than-anyone-expected guy who is attractive...but there was just something about him that made me want to say, "just put it back on."

Then there was the guy who "roasted" her by saying something like "imagine how I felt when I saw you.  I thought it was going to be Emily or Chantal."  Ya know, but since I'm all signed up, quit my job, and am here I'll stick around.  K?  Then he cries because he hurt her feelings.  Okey doke, jackass. 

Then there's Bentley.  He's the jackwad that has had tidbits of, "I don't like her much" peppered in from day one.  Ashley got a text that he wasn't there "for the right reasons."  So like any other woman, she falls for the bad boy and suddenly can't live without her.  Leading up to his departure tonight, we get little flakes of "I'm not attracted to her."  Nice.  What kills me, though, is how they string the poor girl along so that we see this big build up and then get to enjoy watching her cry her heart out.  Ugh!  Why oh why oh why!  They NEVER EVER set the Bachelor up like that!  Wonder how dumb she'll feel when she watches it later.

So on a date the day after Bentley's big departure, she forgoes the huge shindig everyone else got to hang out in her glasses and jammies in front of a fire.  WHAT?!  I get it.  You're sad.  You are having a bad day.  You're in a heightened emotional state.  But that means big glasses and plaid jammy pants?  And wait...he brought his too?  AND you pinned his rose onto his white cotton undershirt?  Okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

On final rose night, she's still crying over Bentley.  She wasn't sure she could go on.  Mask guy gets the ax.  "Wish you were someone else" got one.  Oh Lord.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I, unknowingly, committed a mom crime

I got River Trekker shoes, similar to these, from Landsend several years ago and they've taken me through countest Disney, camping, and other walking-intensive trips.  I love them.  They are so very comfortable.  The one major problems - they're fugly.  But when I tried on a thousand pairs of really cute shoes today, none were very comfortable.  And here's the mom crime.  Since when did I choose shoes based on how comfortable they are held at a higher priority than their cuteness?  Evidently the answer is "for quite some time."

The half-off diet

Have you heard of the half-off diet?  I'm creating it today after a particularly discouraging clothes shopping trip.  My desperation may have been exacerbated by my children who weren't behaving very well.  But I left at least 10 shirts and 4 pairs of pants for various reasons, the most common one being I looked pregnant.  Nice.

So I'm embarking...again.  I feel really sick of doing things like counting points, fitting in a certain number of servings of this or that in, in a certain order, and various other approaches.  I think I'm just going to eat less - like half of what I'd normally eat.  It's unscientific, at best.  But, lordy be, I have to do something.  I'm sick of feeling self-conscious about how I look and what I wear.  I'm not shooting for a size 4 or 110 pounds or anything.  I'm just shooting for something better than here.  Boo.