I chickened out

I'm so ashamed to admit I did not attend the funeral for my daughter's teacher's husband.  :-(

Before my dad died, I was anti-funeral.  I did, and still do, feel like grief is a very private thing.  Yet thinking back to the visitation and mass, I remember who was there.  I remember who I talked too.  I remember seeing our preschool teachers walk in and crying in appreciation.  My mom and other family members have similar stories.  So despite being blinded by tears, I still know who I saw those days and how much it meant to me.  I wanted my attendance credit for this one.  Not for any selfish interest, of course.  More like as a means of letting this woman know, "My heart hurts for you and I'm here because I care about you and your family."  I failed.

I was on the way home from dropping my mom off at the airport and was delayed due to an accident on an entrance ramp to the highway.  Then I called home to see if the fam wanted bagels.  Then I started really calculating the time and thinking it would be tight for me to get home, change clothes and go.  Of course I would have to find the address of the church and put it into the nav.  Tick tock tick tock.  Then I realized I was desperately trying to find reasons why I would be late and it wouldn't work out.  I was already tearing up, trying to figure out exactly what I would say.  I thought back, again, to my dad's funeral, also a Catholic mass.  I thought, "would the family sit in the same position?"  "Would it be like deja vu?"  I started losing it and getting angry about my tears.  I'm the Jasper of my family and my empathy skills are off the charts.  I didn't want to go to this funeral and fall apart.  I hardly knew the deceased. He was such a pleasant and friendly guy who, so outwardly, loved and was proud of his family.  He was a valued acquaintance, but my grief isn't deep over my loss of him.  It's deep for our friend's loss of him.  Unfortunately, teardrops don't fall with post-it notes attached and I was afraid they'd be misinterpreted - in front of MANY people from our school. 

I'm a chicken.